A lake the size
of a small room
an island no bigger
than a single bed
when you set out in your boat
you’ve already arrived
to lie on your back
beneath a dazzling sun
so small you can blot it out
with one finger
(First published in Poetry Ireland Review)
I realized you were stuck in darkness.
Just as I was.
I stayed with you.
And fell in love.
The circle narrows
Friends
Their faces light
When we come close
But there is distance now
A bond broken
A relationships severed
As the atom split
We were protons
Positive in our youth
Constantly in motion
With dreams
With ambition
And now neutrons
Complacent
Not reacting
To the thought
The behind the eye
Wish
That somehow
We could harness
The energy
Make that call
Arrange that meeting
Do that outing
But the bother
Has bearing
Too much effort
To disturb
The comfort of aloneness
They didn’t tell you it would be like this
They promised you
It’s safe out there –
Just give it a shot
So you left the warmth and protection of your birthplace
They didn’t tell you it would hurt like hell
That you can slap a smile on all you like
Go about your day
Chopping carrots, reading textbooks, coffee dates with friends
But there will still be that tugging deep inside you
They said
You are strong
You can defeat it
You can manage it
They said
It doesn’t make you weaker
Maybe, but you will be tested every day,
Torn down just a little every time something goes wrong
“Think happy thoughts”
“Happiness is a choice”
“Be grateful, you have a roof over your head”
“What is your problem?”
You cower in your own shame
Disgusted
You know the blackness surrounding you is a product of none other than
Yourself
You reach for contentment
Grasp at serenity
Hands peeling open
Fingers ache from
Reaching so far
They didn’t tell you that one kind word could turn your day around,
While a mean look could ruin you for months.
They didn’t tell you that others would claim to understand you,
To relate to you,
And then give neither warmth nor kindness when you inevitably slip
up.
You didn’t realize how accurate the clichés could be:
Standing in a room full of people, but never having felt so alone.
And you fear being alone for
You think the loneliness could engulf you,
Entrench you.
Pin you to the floor and sit on your chest.
But you’re aware now.
You know the feeling
And can feel it coming.
Over the years you’ve built up your defenses,
Prepared to attack when needed.
You’re hurt?
Not anymore – you feel nothing.
You’re sad?
Not anymore – you are numb.
You’re lonely?
Not anymore – you’ve drowned out the silence.
They didn’t tell you how cruel life is to those who
Are cruel to themselves.
There is no outside force.
You are your own killer
You are strangling yourself
You are spiraling down
You are defenseless
Most importantly,
You are not to blame.
But nobody tells you this.
Only,
“What the hell is your problem?”